I always find it surprising what upsets people the most about their partner. Seldom is it an affair or even violence that breaks a marriage or destroys a custody arrangement even if those things end up being the catalyst for the separation or modification law suit. Obviously, drugs, affairs, and violence stand out to me and to the court, but the internal power struggle of the marriage - slights, failure to show up, passive aggression, laziness, constant forgetfulness, endless excuses, an inability to communicate - are what seem to most deeply impact most former partners. It takes a subtle hand to make these issues pop in court because these same things are much easier to forgive from an outsider’s perspective. Bringing the kids late to school a handful of times may be emblematic of a constant issue within your marriage but to an outsider it seems like a minor problem that simply needs to be addressed.

It is no secret that our expectations of ourselves vary greatly from our expectations of others. Internally, we feel all of the different causes that led us to our current position. These things form the basis of whatever justification or rationalization we concoct to make sense of our actions. Others can’t see the deliberation and they cannot be privy to the quiet calculations our brain makes to pilot our decisions. So others just judge us on the action and the visible consequences. If you are the one that acts out, that is what they see. If you both act out, it’s just who y’all are. The actions cancel each other out even if the precipitating action is worse.

Moreover, others cannot feel the pressure that leads to the damn bursting. A couple of tardies may not seem like a big deal to others, but, damn, how many times do you have to tell him or her that the kids need to be at school on time. And you just know that he or she is doing it on purpose to drive you nuts. And then the damn bursts and the parent does something ill-advised because they just cannot take it anymore.

So here is the big secret: just live your life and do the best you can. Live up to the standard you expect from the other person independently from their behavior.

You want them to quit talking rudely to you on the phone? Well, don’t talk rudely back. It may not cure their behavior but it will look good to the court and they will look bad. Let the difference in attitudes shine through! Also, generally it will drive the rude parent up the wall. They want the reaction! They want the fight!

You want them to get the kids to school on time? Make sure you get them to school on time every day. The juxtaposition between the way you handle things and they way they handle things will be clear.

This does not mean get pushed around. In fact, just the opposite. Take away the other side’s power to control you and your actions. The spiral you found yourself in during the end of your marriage ends as soon as you decide you want it to end. You may still have to fight in court, but what the hell are they going to say about you. She or he gets the kids to school on time everyday? Their homework is always done? They don’t fight with me on the phone or in front of the kids?

More often than not, removing the other side’s ability to get a rise out of you will cause them to spiral (or make their current spiral more glaring).

And if it doesn’t? Well then you two get along and treat each other with respect. Better for you and your kids anyway.

A major part of this, however, is understanding the limits of what the court can and cannot do. This perspective is essential because it helps you discern which fights to fight and which fights to let go and helps you adjust to the court not doing what you want. What may appear to be an unfair ruling to you is often just par for the course and should shock no one.

For example, absent termination, your ex will get to see the children (even if he or she refuses, she or he will have some court ordered visitation). Absent really significant issues (history of significant violence, hard drug usage, mental illness) that visitation will end up unsupervised. As such, you must adjust to giving up some control and, when you have the leverage, you do not let your personal animosity flip the script. Showing out because the court did something you do not like is stupid and self-defeating.

And let’s be fair, if he or she was a lazy parent beforehand, it is deeply unlikely that will change. Don’t expect the other party to change. Worrying about such things will only drive you crazy. Clench your fists and shout “Serenity Now!” and move on. You broke up with them for a reason.

Accepting reality allows you to have control over your life. It frees you from the push and pull of your former relationship because you understand that you two are living separate lives outside of your kids. And then you can focus on providing your children what they need. Your ex will either adjust and things will be relatively peaceful or it will drive them up the wall and they will act out.

Either way you win.

And you will be able to testify fearlessly in court because you have nothing to run away from. Cross examine all they want, because you have the answers. And you can fight as hard as needed because you’ve stacked the deck in your favor.

This is unfair.

I only want what is fair.

The judge is being unfair to me.

I hear these sorts of statements and my eyes automatically begin to roll. Notions of fairness are wildly subjective, jejune, and inevitably small-minded and self-centered. What you think is fair for you inevitably seems unfair to the other person. What is just, on the other hand, requires looking outward for an honest rendering of the facts and reflecting inward to balance multiple interests to determine what resolution is correct and reasonable. In the legal world and in the moral world, we deal with justice, not fairness. Justice is for grown-ups; fairness is for children.

Regardless of my distaste for complaints about fairness, people tend to find the concept of fairness much easier to grasp than justice. Often my job centers on teaching parents about justice by recontextualizing the question of fairness to its proper nexus - the kids. After all, the polestar consideration of the chancery court is the best interest of children, and no parent can say with a straight-face that they do not want the best for their kids.

So the question becomes: What would be fair for the children? The answer, unfortunately, must be that nothing about this custody issue is fair for the children. They did not ask to be in a custody dispute, they did nothing to contribute to it, but they must suffer the consequences of their parents’ actions. Recognition of this truth helps provide the correct perspective for assessing a custody case. Once a parent agrees that the entire situation is fundamentally unfair for the children, then we can begin to work our way towards a just result.

First, should the children even see the other parent? Sometimes the answer is no. If the parent acts violently, abuses drugs and alcohol, and/or refuses to take any steps to remedy their destructive behavior, the child may legitimately be better off not seeing that parent. The just result requires removing the toxic parents permanently from the child’s life so that the child may live with the stability he or she needs to be safe and to recover from the trauma of having his or her parent(s) choose vice over their children.

Often the parent demanding fairness for themselves perpetrates the violence and/or abuses drug or alcohol. Unsurprisingly, these people often blame the unfair world for their self-inflicted problems. However, denial about their own role in the destruction of their lives does not always blind them to objective truth. Then the question becomes whether it is fair for your child to experience life with an addict or to witness violence, regardless of the perpetrator. Of course, the answer must be no. If it is anything else, then the court already has its answer. But if a parent agrees that the child should live his or her life without exposure to violence or addiction, then the parent must take steps to demonstrate a commitment to a violence and/or addiction free life. N.A., A.A., Rehab, DVIP courses, anger management, regular drug tests, counseling, therapy, etc. These are the tools through which a parent can prove his or her dedication to a better life. If a parent refuses, again the court has its answer. If the parent complies (and also behaves correctly) then the court also has an answer.

Parents will often blame the other for such behavior or endeavor into whataboutism to call into question the fairness of the inquiry or the requirements placed upon them i.e. she’s the real addict, she’s the real abuser, she’s the one who got arrested, I don’t have a problem but for her. Again I role my eyes at the immaturity. It does not matter what the other parent did because it does not change what needs to be done. If one parent takes the steps to assure the court that he or she has remedied their ways and the other parent has only whined and complained about how unfair it is, then the court has its answer. It is fairer for the child to have one parent who has remedied his or her ways than two parents who refuse to address any issues.

Questions of violence and addiction exist in only a percentage of custody disputes. Parental disputes exist in all. What is fair for the child is for the parents to put aside their personal grievances and work as a team to provide the child with the best life possible. What that means is consciously and consistently choosing to take the high road. The other parent gets under your skin? So what, act like an adult and toughen up. The other parent antagonizes you? So what, act like an adult and don’t take the bait. The other parent won’t share information? So what, act like an adult and get the information yourself. The other parent makes you angry? So what, act like an adult and hold your tongue. Do not give the other parent an excuse to act like a petulant child, behave yourself like a responsible, well-adjusted adult, and you will always end up looking like the responsible, well-adjusted parent. That is best for you, best for your kid and best for your court case. The result may not appear fair to the other parent, but, god-willing, you will see the justice in the court’s decision.