The Chancery Court does not prosper under black and white thinking. The issues presented revolve almost exclusively around the things that happen behind closed doors and deal with the most precious things in our lives. Custody disputes, conservatorship, guardianships, divorces, and even disputes amongst neighbors and business partners seldom have an all-or-nothing resolution and, as such, viewing your case as a zero-sum game is short-sighted strategically and extremely short-sighted outside the court house.

As a quick refresher, a zero-sum game basically refers to a mindset where if one person gains then another necessarily loses. If I take an inch, you lose an inch. If I get five dollars, someone loses five dollars. Gains and losses exist in perfect balance.

There is an attractive simplicity in the balance of zero-sum thinking, but such thinking stands inapposite to the goals of the chancery court: equity. The mandate of the chancery court is to craft equitable remedies to issues in which the law cannot designate a set remedy (very generally). Unlike the circuit courts that apply fact to laws and provide resolution based on those laws, the chancery court has to apply laws to facts and craft the result based on those facts, with the mandate of doing equity i.e. be fair. For example, in a car accident case the law defines negligence, it sets out traffic laws, and sets out damages, the attorneys put on a case to present their version of the facts, arguing that they either do or do not satisfy the law, and the jury (or judge) then makes the decision. The judge basically calls balls and strikes if it is a jury trial and just applies the facts to see if they satisfy the law in bench trials. On the other hand, the chancellor must take a broad set of laws that provide broad governance to behavior and figure out the appropriate response. For example, there cannot be a specific mandate regarding custody because every custody case is different. Zero-sum thinking, which requires a clear winner and loser, simply does not work in family courts because there are no real winners and losers. Everything happens on a spectrum. Therefore, if you go into the court viewing your case in such black and white terms, you will simply miss the boat altogether. What you are asking for is, by and large, impossible.

More importantly, it also stands inapposite to common sense. If you think only in terms of winning and losing, you have already lost. In a legal world in which your relationship with the other parties often continue to some degree after the case is resolved, being the burn it all down party or the even just the overly bitter party is a poison pill. The court is going to see who is the grudge holding jerk and who is the person who sees the situation for what it is.

In the custody context, if you consider your ex getting time with the children as you losing time with the children, you are building resentment immediately into the co-parenting relationship. If you build resentment into the co-parenting relationship, you will make your kids miserable and will dilute your case if it ever does have to go back to court. The inevitable litany of pettiness and passive aggression is like flicking the same spot on an apply over and over again, eventually that spot will rot right away regardless of how soft you flick it. You will go back over a serious issue, but you’ll either emphasize the wrong thing because that is what has driven you crazy for years or your legitimate complaint will get buried in a sea of whataboutism.

In a property settlement context, locking in so tight on if they get it, I don’t get it mentality forecloses effective negotiation and effective litigation. To the latter, the problem is obvious. Wanting things simply so the other side does not get it makes you look like a petty fool. The former is perhaps more devastating. In Mississippi, property is divided equitably, which, again, is most easily understood as fair, not equal (giving an able bodied 42 year old doctor 1/2 of of the entire estate and his disabled wife of 20 years 1/2 of the estate and no alimony is not fair, he will continue to earn a substantial sum while she will be sitting in a leaking boat). Because the estate is viewed as a whole and the court has a great deal of discretion in how it divides the estate, isolating on any one asset or debt not only shows your hand but misses the point. In negotiating a property settlement agreement, you want to get a better deal than you are likely to get in court. You weigh all the risks, including the cost, financially and emotionally of trying the case, the emotional toil of dragging out the divorce, the size of the estate, and your needs, and then make a personal decision as to what you are willing to agree to. Your lawyer will advise you of your rights and the likely outcome, but it is the client who has to make the final call. Obviously, if you are judging things from a zero-sum perspective, you force yourself to either take massively damaging and unnecessary risks or to settle for something much less than what you are worth (for some people, punishing themselves or being overly conciliatory is a real issue). However, if you view in gradient degrees, you can make the more effective assessment of value and risk, and, if you are smart, exploit the zero sum thinking on the otherside, whether by negotiating what you want based on some erroneous point the other side is making or showing their true character on the stand.

Ultimately, you should know the rules of the game you are playing and the Chancery Court is simply not playing a zero-sum game. If you insist on playing in that manner, be prepared to get left holding the bag.

I always find it surprising what upsets people the most about their partner. Seldom is it an affair or even violence that breaks a marriage or destroys a custody arrangement even if those things end up being the catalyst for the separation or modification law suit. Obviously, drugs, affairs, and violence stand out to me and to the court, but the internal power struggle of the marriage - slights, failure to show up, passive aggression, laziness, constant forgetfulness, endless excuses, an inability to communicate - are what seem to most deeply impact most former partners. It takes a subtle hand to make these issues pop in court because these same things are much easier to forgive from an outsider’s perspective. Bringing the kids late to school a handful of times may be emblematic of a constant issue within your marriage but to an outsider it seems like a minor problem that simply needs to be addressed.

It is no secret that our expectations of ourselves vary greatly from our expectations of others. Internally, we feel all of the different causes that led us to our current position. These things form the basis of whatever justification or rationalization we concoct to make sense of our actions. Others can’t see the deliberation and they cannot be privy to the quiet calculations our brain makes to pilot our decisions. So others just judge us on the action and the visible consequences. If you are the one that acts out, that is what they see. If you both act out, it’s just who y’all are. The actions cancel each other out even if the precipitating action is worse.

Moreover, others cannot feel the pressure that leads to the damn bursting. A couple of tardies may not seem like a big deal to others, but, damn, how many times do you have to tell him or her that the kids need to be at school on time. And you just know that he or she is doing it on purpose to drive you nuts. And then the damn bursts and the parent does something ill-advised because they just cannot take it anymore.

So here is the big secret: just live your life and do the best you can. Live up to the standard you expect from the other person independently from their behavior.

You want them to quit talking rudely to you on the phone? Well, don’t talk rudely back. It may not cure their behavior but it will look good to the court and they will look bad. Let the difference in attitudes shine through! Also, generally it will drive the rude parent up the wall. They want the reaction! They want the fight!

You want them to get the kids to school on time? Make sure you get them to school on time every day. The juxtaposition between the way you handle things and they way they handle things will be clear.

This does not mean get pushed around. In fact, just the opposite. Take away the other side’s power to control you and your actions. The spiral you found yourself in during the end of your marriage ends as soon as you decide you want it to end. You may still have to fight in court, but what the hell are they going to say about you. She or he gets the kids to school on time everyday? Their homework is always done? They don’t fight with me on the phone or in front of the kids?

More often than not, removing the other side’s ability to get a rise out of you will cause them to spiral (or make their current spiral more glaring).

And if it doesn’t? Well then you two get along and treat each other with respect. Better for you and your kids anyway.

A major part of this, however, is understanding the limits of what the court can and cannot do. This perspective is essential because it helps you discern which fights to fight and which fights to let go and helps you adjust to the court not doing what you want. What may appear to be an unfair ruling to you is often just par for the course and should shock no one.

For example, absent termination, your ex will get to see the children (even if he or she refuses, she or he will have some court ordered visitation). Absent really significant issues (history of significant violence, hard drug usage, mental illness) that visitation will end up unsupervised. As such, you must adjust to giving up some control and, when you have the leverage, you do not let your personal animosity flip the script. Showing out because the court did something you do not like is stupid and self-defeating.

And let’s be fair, if he or she was a lazy parent beforehand, it is deeply unlikely that will change. Don’t expect the other party to change. Worrying about such things will only drive you crazy. Clench your fists and shout “Serenity Now!” and move on. You broke up with them for a reason.

Accepting reality allows you to have control over your life. It frees you from the push and pull of your former relationship because you understand that you two are living separate lives outside of your kids. And then you can focus on providing your children what they need. Your ex will either adjust and things will be relatively peaceful or it will drive them up the wall and they will act out.

Either way you win.

And you will be able to testify fearlessly in court because you have nothing to run away from. Cross examine all they want, because you have the answers. And you can fight as hard as needed because you’ve stacked the deck in your favor.