This is unfair.

I only want what is fair.

The judge is being unfair to me.

I hear these sorts of statements and my eyes automatically begin to roll. Notions of fairness are wildly subjective, jejune, and inevitably small-minded and self-centered. What you think is fair for you inevitably seems unfair to the other person. What is just, on the other hand, requires looking outward for an honest rendering of the facts and reflecting inward to balance multiple interests to determine what resolution is correct and reasonable. In the legal world and in the moral world, we deal with justice, not fairness. Justice is for grown-ups; fairness is for children.

Regardless of my distaste for complaints about fairness, people tend to find the concept of fairness much easier to grasp than justice. Often my job centers on teaching parents about justice by recontextualizing the question of fairness to its proper nexus - the kids. After all, the polestar consideration of the chancery court is the best interest of children, and no parent can say with a straight-face that they do not want the best for their kids.

So the question becomes: What would be fair for the children? The answer, unfortunately, must be that nothing about this custody issue is fair for the children. They did not ask to be in a custody dispute, they did nothing to contribute to it, but they must suffer the consequences of their parents’ actions. Recognition of this truth helps provide the correct perspective for assessing a custody case. Once a parent agrees that the entire situation is fundamentally unfair for the children, then we can begin to work our way towards a just result.

First, should the children even see the other parent? Sometimes the answer is no. If the parent acts violently, abuses drugs and alcohol, and/or refuses to take any steps to remedy their destructive behavior, the child may legitimately be better off not seeing that parent. The just result requires removing the toxic parents permanently from the child’s life so that the child may live with the stability he or she needs to be safe and to recover from the trauma of having his or her parent(s) choose vice over their children.

Often the parent demanding fairness for themselves perpetrates the violence and/or abuses drug or alcohol. Unsurprisingly, these people often blame the unfair world for their self-inflicted problems. However, denial about their own role in the destruction of their lives does not always blind them to objective truth. Then the question becomes whether it is fair for your child to experience life with an addict or to witness violence, regardless of the perpetrator. Of course, the answer must be no. If it is anything else, then the court already has its answer. But if a parent agrees that the child should live his or her life without exposure to violence or addiction, then the parent must take steps to demonstrate a commitment to a violence and/or addiction free life. N.A., A.A., Rehab, DVIP courses, anger management, regular drug tests, counseling, therapy, etc. These are the tools through which a parent can prove his or her dedication to a better life. If a parent refuses, again the court has its answer. If the parent complies (and also behaves correctly) then the court also has an answer.

Parents will often blame the other for such behavior or endeavor into whataboutism to call into question the fairness of the inquiry or the requirements placed upon them i.e. she’s the real addict, she’s the real abuser, she’s the one who got arrested, I don’t have a problem but for her. Again I role my eyes at the immaturity. It does not matter what the other parent did because it does not change what needs to be done. If one parent takes the steps to assure the court that he or she has remedied their ways and the other parent has only whined and complained about how unfair it is, then the court has its answer. It is fairer for the child to have one parent who has remedied his or her ways than two parents who refuse to address any issues.

Questions of violence and addiction exist in only a percentage of custody disputes. Parental disputes exist in all. What is fair for the child is for the parents to put aside their personal grievances and work as a team to provide the child with the best life possible. What that means is consciously and consistently choosing to take the high road. The other parent gets under your skin? So what, act like an adult and toughen up. The other parent antagonizes you? So what, act like an adult and don’t take the bait. The other parent won’t share information? So what, act like an adult and get the information yourself. The other parent makes you angry? So what, act like an adult and hold your tongue. Do not give the other parent an excuse to act like a petulant child, behave yourself like a responsible, well-adjusted adult, and you will always end up looking like the responsible, well-adjusted parent. That is best for you, best for your kid and best for your court case. The result may not appear fair to the other parent, but, god-willing, you will see the justice in the court’s decision.